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| a kiss from you makes me melt and at that moment i wish time would stop and that moment would last forever. | | |
| I realize that over these last years the root of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I don't have any reasons to live for yet what keeps me sane is the fact that I've found many reasons why I would never kill myself. Aside from the obvious of which death scares me, I realize that I'm still not happy. Maybe its something that I'll have to deal with the rest of my life, and at this rate I'm likely to live till I'm like 100. Nothing in my life seems certain and everything seems unattainable. My biggest fear is that I will never learn to absorb the reality of my life. Take for instance my constant pain. It never goes away and its a constant reminder as is the scar on my back. I've tried so hard to live my life, a new life I hope to forge away from my past. But it seems impossible to escape it. I'm reminded when I can barely walk or unable to crawl out of bed. All I can ever contemplate is how is this possible that my life has been reduced to this. Did I somehow cross someone in my life, or is God punishing me? Does this mean I give up what is most important to me in life? I've learned that I have taken for granted every athletic gift I was born with and that no matter how much I try, I will never be able to do what I want to do. Its like a sad ending to a great movie.
For all its worth I'm not suicidal yet I wonder how do I live a life thats been reduced. People will tell me there are a million other passions in life to live and things of such. But everyone has their dreams and escapes from reality. Those things that bring them joy and happiness. Sports are such an important part of who I am and what my life has been. Yet everyday I'm reminded of how much I must give up to move on with my life. Its been 3.5 years since that fateful day I got into an accident that changed my life. The most common thought I ever recieve is you should be thankful that you didn't die or that you didn't become paralyzed. Yet all I do is suffer from that day. That one day changed me psychologically and physically. The person who drove that car died and its been left with what I am now.
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| I realized that sometimes I still feel sad and the weight of the world on my shoulders. The only constant in my life seems to be my cat who makes me happy, but I don't feel like its enough at times. I still struggle to find the true inner peace and happiness. I look around and I realize that I'm stuck a lot of times and people always have opinions about how I live and how I act. Life wasn't meant to be like this for me and I don't really feel like anyone really cares. I've spent my entire life being there for everyone else, to be the shoulder to lean on or something to hug. But where is everyone when I feel down, when I feel like the weight of the world has knocked me down. All I ever get is the comments of "you should learn to stand on your own feet" or that "you shouldn't expect to place your happiness in how others react to you." blah blah blah. Isn't that what friends are for, an outlet for your emotions, someone to love you when you feel unloved?
A lot has been weighing on my mind these days and I just wonder where my life is heading. I've given up going online because I have the most meaningless conversations and relationships with people. Nobody really listens, everyone just wants to discuss how mundane their own life is or how irritating a few random little petty things are. I've spent 3.5 years trying to forgive those who have wrecked my life and to forgive myself for being so hard on myself. I know I haven't met my own expectations but I realize that my goals were too lofty and unachievable. Life is meant to be happy, to be filled with emotion and love. It isn't meant to be burdened with the hardships of the past and present.
So what does my life have in store for me in the future I wonder. People say the most pointless shit to me about how somehow finding a job will solve my unhappiness. Or that having a set routine will somehow solve the issues in my head. But I don't feel that way because I can't focus on anything. I have random thoughts and dreams that slip in and out of my mind of the life I was supposed to live, the life I hope to accomplish, and the live that I'm stuck in. I understand that my depression and psychological issues will always be what they are my own battle and struggle and that the physical pain I always have will most likely always be a hinderance. It would be nice to be loved and to be comforted. Who ever thinks lets take peter out to eat or lets treat him out for a day of fun. Its nice to be wanted. As for now life is stuck here in a bad place, trying to find a stupid job so everyone leaves me alone, and to find a new roomate to fill my interesting life. But the question still remains as what is the point to living this redundant life and trying fill empty voids when the issues are so much deeper.
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| I don't know why I really stopped writing in my journal. I thought this would be a good place to list my resolutions for the year.
1. Do 3 Olympic length triathlons.
2. Bay to Breakers
3. Find a job
4. Apply for grad school
5. Find eternal happiness.
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| hmmm wow its been so long since i've written in my blog. I think mostly maybe part of just didn't feel like updating. But I thought for my own record one day that I should write about all that has gone on recently. Two of my closest friends in the world are getting married!!! Congrats to Jannie and Greg, and more interestingly I'm going to be up at the altar for greg's wedding which presents its own interesting dynamic as well. It will be the first wedding I'll actually be a significant part of. I guess aside I've become quite the fitness freak. I'm actually quite impressed with myself how far I've come along. I realize how flabby I had gotten being with tina and then all the fat I gained after the accident. Now all of that is gone and my dreams of doing a triathlon are that much closer. I'm trying to get my mile swim time under 30 mins.
I finally finished all my therapy and doctors and no more. Those 3 years are finally put to rest along with my past. Its been a long struggle and I've finally put a lot of demons to rest as well as gotten rid of a lot of people who really wished the worst of me. My life has been harder I believe than most but I guess it's aged me more than most of my friends. I feel like I'm 50 sometimes considering what i've been through. I wonder what the upcoming months have in store for me.
Pictures from my 17 mile hike through muir woods, mt. tam, and stinson beach
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